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Moved to http://bioyar.wordpress.com/
Got pissed off with ‘thereviewerguy’ name. It’s too generic and American.
Let’s cut to the fucking chase. I am not going to do a fucking game review on MW2. Any dumbass can do a review of a game everyone has. If you have all played it, what’s the fucking point of reviewing it. What I will be reviewing, is the dumb fucks that play MW2.
I am sick of watching people’s sorry excuses for tutorials on “how to become good at MW2″. They are all the same, some ginger twat giving people “tips” on being good at MW2. I’ve got a fucking tip right off the bat, if you’re ginger, don’t fucking make “how to become good at MW2″ tutorial videos, you are just asking for a whole world of harassment. And let’s face it, you’ve probably already got enough harassment on your plate as it is. Also, tips such as, “use the FAMAS with stopping power” aren’t fucking tips, it’s what I like to call, the fucking obvious. You can’t just waltz around pointing out the obvious and call it a tutorial. I can’t just I walk around a hospital with a video camera and say “here’s a tip, if you don’t want to get AIDS, don’t fuck anyone who’s got AIDS”, then label it an AIDS prevention tutorial.
- ONLINE TIP: Mute your TV, instant silencer on all your weps.
Secondly, are you from Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, Yorkshire, France, America or Canada? Are you a chav, redneck, girl, below 16 years old, over 20 years old, black, Mexican, white, ignorant, arrogant, a know it all, shouting downstairs or talking to your mum? Do you have a coughing problem or a heavy breathing problem? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TURN YOUR MIC OFF.
As far as early 1990s action movies go, this is isn’t all that and a bag of coconuts. Colombian dictator kills guy, guy’s friend (McBain) decides to kill dictator, annihilating half of Colombia and causing a revolution in the process. Those Colombians never learn, nobody fucks with McBain, not even the laws of physics.
This clip shows the shear brillance of this film.
You’ve been McBained.
This game could have been a classic; unfortunately it was developed by EA. The typical EA formula is, create a great game concept, create a shit game, and hype it. Everyone buys it, everyone’s pissed off.
Army of Two oozed plot, two mercenaries, fight in three of the biggest conflicts in the last two decades; Somalia, Afghanistan and Iraq. It oozed co-op, the entire campaign was co-op-able, co-op manoeuvres. It oozed fully customizable guns and vehicles.
The paragraph above was EA’s target and they fucking missed it big time. They missed their target like an American bombing raid misses its target.
The campaign had so many holes in it, it made Swiss cheese look bad. The co-op manoeuvres were like taking a piss into a cross wind. The guns had bling, which made me want to vomit. There was one vehicle and it handled worst than a burnt out Ford Escort with no wheels.
Ignoring single player because of one very small point, it’s shite. I’ll be focusing on multiplayer.
The maps can be split two categories;
1) Big maps with helicopters, tanks, APCs, towns, open fields, forests, bridges, anti-aircraft guns, anti-armour turrets, boats, artillery, humvees and jeeps.
2) Small maps with fuck all.
80% of the time, you will be playing Category 2 maps whether you fucking like it or not.
Imagine you have just woken up with a fridge lodged in your anal canal, that’s bad, but not as bad as BF:BC’s controls are. Everything is delayed, you throw like a sissy and there is no prone.
The game states “extraordinary multiplayer game play”. I don’t know where the fuck that is, but it sure as fuck isn’t in BF:BC.
The game also states “realistically destructible environments”. By what FUCKING measure did they come to this conclusion? They may be referring to the fact that after you realise you have been conned, you will probably throw your fucking TV out the window and snap the BF:BC disc in half in a blind rage.
Cutting to the fucking point, this film is like getting fisted by an angry midget who has drug problems.
The film starts, then 20 minutes later, the proper film starts. A man fishing at the end of a pier in rainy Manhattan. He catches a fish. The fish is putting up a fight, but the man is reeling this bad boy in. It’s a bigun! Oh wait, IT’S MOTHERFUCKING GODZILLA AND HE IS PISSED THE FUCK OFF. But suddenly the 1000 tonne monster that is as tall as a skyscraper runs off into Manhattan and disappears… in Manhattan… and this brings me on to my first point.
Throughout the movie Godzilla comes out of nowhere like a fucking ninja and does some Godzillarly type shit then runs off. I don’t know much about Godzilla, but I know a) he isn’t a fucking ninja and b) he doesn’t employ the same tactics as a black man in Compton who does drive-bys.
The second point is there is a giant monster running around. Who does the United States of America have dealing with such a major national threat? The US Army? The CIA? The FBI? The NSA? A Dinosaur expert? Chuck Norris? No, some fucktard who researches earthworms. And to add insult to injury, this worm’s expert completely ignores the US Army and enlists the help of a slag, a camera man, and a French fella.
Overall, I’d have more fun attaching jump leads to my nips.
The President of America has invented a new motorsport. Drivers race their cars from the east coast (of America) to the west coast (of America); the winner is the driver with the most points.
How do you score points? I hear you say. By RUNNING OVER INNOCENT CIVILIANS that’s how.
The films main protagonist is Frankstein and he wears a gimp suit. But that’s not the most interesting part. For some unknown reason one of his hands has gone missing, so what does Gimp suit Frank replace his missing hand with? A prosthetic hand? A hook? No, a hand grenade. No, not that type of hand grenade. A HAND grenade. A grenade hand. A grenade shaped like HAND. A hand grenade HAND.
The race starts on the east coast, the flag is waved and there off to mow down poor unsuspecting fuckers. Or was it the west coast? I don’t know who gives a fuck. Throughout the film, the drivers are being killed off by the Resistance Fighters, a group of hippies who feel the race is morally wrong. But they don’t just shoot the drivers that would be far too non-funny. On one occasion, a driver is speeding along a bridge and there is a pram on the road! This driver is about to bag himself 70 points for running over a baby! He hits it! He explodes! He! wait what?… It turns out, the Resistance Fighters loaded the pram full of dynamite and no babies were harmed during the making of the film.
At the start of the film the drivers are paired up with a co-driver and unlucky for Gimp suit Frank, he is paired up with an undercover female member of the Resistance Fighters. But not to worry, they both have sex and she soon finds out Gimp suit Frank thinks the race is morally wrong too and we discover the only reason he has a hand grenade hand is because if he wins the race, he gets to meet the President and shake… his hand…
But the only way he can win the race is to run over as many people as possible, so really, the whole film is one big fucking contradiction and Gimp suit Frank doesn’t know what the flying toss he is doing.
8 Mile follows the life of a young redneck living in a crap area of Detroit. He is called Jimmy Smith Junior, but goes by the nickname “Bunny Rabbit” because his name’s shit.
The start of the film shows “Bunny Rabbit” in a rap battle. His opponent has just finished rapping, “Bunny Rabbit” gets the microphone and as he goes to rap, he chokes… he has just realised he’s the only white person there and if he doesn’t get his white ass out of there pronto he is going to get… well, lets just say, once you go black, you going to need a wheelchair.
Unluckily, he manages to escape.
For the next 90 minutes of the film, he starts to build his confidence. But that is only happening because he is surrounded by a group of moronic rednecks, which makes him feel smart.
At the end of the film, he goes back to the same place where he choked at the start of the film. Again, his opponent has just finished rapping and “Bunny Rabbit” gets the microphone and as he goes to rap… he doesn’t choke. He only goes and fucks everything up by insulting himself, his mother, his job, and every single one of his friends in turn (who are all standing in the front row). When he is finally finished, everyone cheers for him, because they realise if they don’t, he’ll probably top himself.
The end scene involves “Bunny Rabbit” hugging all his friends he just insulted not only 10 minutes ago. After that, he walks off down a dark alley way…
Where he’ll hopefully be shot.
